So depression is kicking my ass

Hi :) welcome back to my blog! I know I haven't posted anything in forever but I'll be honest, depressing has been very very hard in the past weeks, and so I decided why not talk about it in the blog. Before I start, I want to put some trigger warnings for depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or anything related to those topics. Read only if you feel comfortable :)

So I have depression, if you didn't already know. I was doing kinda okay, finally having a good balance with my meds, feeling okay and like I could be living a life that is not normal, but almost. A life that could be acceptable. But for a reason I don't know, the past weeks have not been like that.

Everyday I wake up confused on what day it is, what I have to do, I lay in bed too late because I can't get up, I have to drag myself to eat and take my meds and go to school or work. Every single thing is a chore. Going to work feel horrible. Going to school feel like having to run a marathon when I can't even stay up. I feel sad all the time, I feel depressed all the time. Not one second goes by without me being depressed. Then there's the suicidal thoughts.

Not a day, or even an hour, goes by without me having suicidal thoughts. Without thinking of a new way I could kill myself. Or when. Or where. I now have several plans planned in my head that I could do anywhere, anytime. How id avoid people finding out. What I'd say in my goodbye letter, what I'd post on social medias. I want to die everyday, so I don't have to go on with all my responsabilities. I wish I could just get a day off between each day, just to catch my breath. Or even do the things I need to do that are not school or work things. Life is moving too fast and I'm tired of it, and the only way to make it be less fast is to die.

I'm at my final months of cegep, which means I'm going to university soon, and that freaks me out. I can't even take care of myself when my parents are there to help, how will I do it on my own? I have to move out. I have no money, I have a shopping addiction and spent all my money and some I didn't have into stupid things. Everything stresses me out right now. Everything is an anxiety factor, every thought makes my heart squeezes more.

Then there's the friendship breakup. The fucking friendship breakup. It happened 3 months ago, but I still think about it everyday. The thing is, there's THE breakup, but also all the people I lost around it, the passion I lost because of that, the music I cant listen to anymore, the home decors i cant look au without crying, the way they tried to contact me again to make me worse. The way I can't trust any one now. The fact that I have trust issues to my best friend, who has done nothing wrong. It doesn't help that my in real life "friends" as shitty as fuck and makes me want to die even more, making fun of me and judging me for everything I do in love.

I don't feel loved or cared about, I never get listened to when I need to talk, I have no confident, no friend. I am so alone. And depressed. And I don't know what to do, except end it all.

So that's why I haven't been active on YouTube and here recently. I know it's no excuse and I should still be active, but I'm prioritizing laying in bed at the moment to catch a breath a bit.

If I had to describe my life right now, it would be "this is me trying" meets "nothing new" meets "mirrorball" meets "all too well" Mets "the archer" meets "epiphany".

Talking about Taylor Swift, she's the one good thing in my life right now. Putting the breakup rumours apart (which I don't want to talk about because we shouldn't talk about it), my social medias are filled with fun swiftie things, theories, Easter eggs, and all things like that. I have some friends online that make me feel better everyday and that I'm grateful for everyday for existing. The swiftie community makes me happy and is my safe place right now, and obviously Taylor's songs also. I'll forever be grateful for Taylor and how she accompanies me through my hardest, happiest moments, literally all of my life.

I'll end this blog right now because even if I could add a lot, I don't think you'd like to read it. I just wanted to do a life update, and hopefully make some people feel less alone, because I feel really alone right now. If you're feeling like that, just send me a dm and we can talk and maybe get some support.

I love you all,

The Indecisive xxx